Aimlessly

Everyone should have a direction in life. For three years, I have been searching for it but to no avail I am still clueless. I found no interest in anything. For me everything is the same. I cannot choose.

See, I am in IT profession. I got supperb result for my degree. So what? I don't feel I am good at all in IT field. Am I right to be in IT field? Or I am just bad luck for getting the tasks I suck at? >.< I don't feel happy because I cannot excel and no one really recognized me. I feel sucky. I feel useless.

So, I started to consider other options. Involve in beauty field? Or maybe fashion? Still, I don't feel interested enough. Gosh! I am really sucky huh! I feel lifeless everyday. Back home from work, I am too exhausted to brainstorm about other options.

Sometimes, I am angry at myself cause I am not like other normal people. Why they can do their job well and handle the stress and feel good about life? Why I can't? I give up too easily huh? I guess I just want to do something I am good at. Something I can be proud of.

Ah, what a messy brain I have. I think is time to take a break.

Random Rants

Argh, am I acting like a princess? Or I am lazy? I always feel like giving up when I feel helpless. I love my job but I hate all the troubleshooting and problem solving specially when I have no idea how it works. I've been sitting here whole day and gaining nothing. Not to mention, solving nothing too. Waste of time huh? I am such a complainer. I feel like a baby and a useless person as I am not able to do my job perfectly. Throughout my 26 years, I seldom see people happy with their jobs. No matter where I go, people will show their sour faces while working. I guess most of the happy people are the one earning damn much. So, in order for me to be happy ,I need to earn more? Be a boss. Work like a mad cow for myself instead for others.

Aiya, I always complain then get back to normal state then complain then get back to normal state. It's a cycle that I believe most of us are experiencing. It's ok. Things will get straighten eventually. Kesian my bf. Always hear me complaining. He is numbed as I always ask him what's the point of living? :P I always try to figure out point of living for those poor people. They have to work fucking hard until they are dead. For? For? No answer.

With what I earning now, I don't think I can even afford a house or even a child. It's like if I bring him/her to this world is to make him/her suffer cause I can't provide him/her enough. With the increasing price for a house and cost of living, how are we the younger generation manage to have a family? Maybe can la. Buy a small size condo/service apartment like 500-900 sqf with 2 rooms, one for the couple and one for the children. The "home" will be small enough that your children can hear you fucking in the room at night. I guess this is why parents nowadays resort to having 1 child only.

Surviving is hard. Very hard. I guess this is why human is getting heartless and selfish. We need to fight for our own life. GRR... Don't you fucking fuck with me or I will fuck you back!

Haih, I don't get it how some people can be ignorant in this matter. Why? They have no goals in their life? Or they already accept the cruelty of this world? I think I need to convince myself to accept my life too.

Grr.. Don't know what I am ranting anymore. No matter what I ranted, I am still grateful for what I am having. I know my life is consider very good compare to many people. I know whenever I fall, there will be someone there to help me. I love you all whom love me as much back. :P

Oh ya. Here's how I look like recently.

BYE.

Tut..

Tut...
Tut...

I am so busy with my life that I have no time to blog.

Tut...
Tut...

Pain

My birthday is coming! Yay. I am not afraid to announce at all. Am proud of my age (25). :p

This year has been a painful year for me. First, I almost get my nose broken due to banana boat. Yeah, how on earth playing banana boat can cause injury? I never heard any story about people getting hurt while playing banana boat. Well, somehow I am sandwiched in between two people when we are dropped into the sea. My face knocked onto the head of person in front of me and then the person behind me knocked my head and again I am knocked onto the head of the person in front of me. Wah, my explanation seems so not understandable. Whatever. To cut short, I felt pain instantly. Blood gushed out and tears came unwillingly. So, we requested the boat driver to send us back to the beach. WHO KNOWS THAT STUPID BASTARD DROP US AGAIN. LUCKILY NO ACCIDENT HAPPEN THIS TIME. ONLY I DRANK SO MUCH SEA WATER WHILE IN PAIN.. FUCK YOU. I AM NOT ABLE TO SCOLD YOU BACK THEN BUT I CAN DO IT NOW. Oh well, I thought that was the most painful moment in my life.

Secondly was during my LASIK procedure. >.< The doctor needed to put a cylinder into my eyes to prevent my eyes from closing during the procedure. Everything went well with my right eye. When it comes to the left eyes, I almost give up. The stupid cylinder doesn't fit into my eyes resulting the doctor to try again and again and again. GOD DAMN IT! I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT I ALMOST GIVE UP! I was in the verge of giving up but I didn't because the doctor was damn nice. His voice was so calming. He's really a good doctor. I prayed so hard the cylinder will stay put in my eye each time. Looks like I am one of the special person with weird eye structure. Luckily, with my and the doctor determinations, I scored the procedure. Though, I went home with pain or what we call pedih on both eyes. Pain killer was my best friend. :p

Then last week my front tooth's root suddenly became infected. In just on week my face became swollen until I looked like Caesar. Don't know who Caesar is? The ape in The Rise of Planet Apes (bf fav movie). His wish came true lo. Love the movie so much that he got the chance to look at the ape for a week. LOL. Ok back to my tooth. My face not only swollen, but I was in so much pain that I can't even sleep. I ate >10 panadols in a day. Beh tahan dy, early morning went to doctor but the doctor was having another patient. I can't wait any longer, so I went to the dentist next door. Got myself medicine but guess what the doctor lied to me. She said the swollen face and pain will subsided by night time. DAMN. NOT ONLY MY FACE GET MORE SWOLLEN BUT THE PAIN DEGREE INCREASED. I FEEL LIKE WANNA KILL MYSELF.

The next day, I went back to my dentist early in the morning (not the one lied to me). She was shocked that I got myself into the situation in just a week. She said in her so many years of practice, she never saw such case before. I mean the extreme swollen. She took and x-ray of my tooth instantly and explained that I will need to do a root canal extraction. I requested her to just pluck my tooth. After the x-ray, I am brought into a series of pain. You all know right the needle?? BIG BIG ONE. While she was injecting the numbing liquid, I AM SCREAMING FOR HELP INSIDE. WHAT THE FUCKING PAIN! 3 seconds felt like FOREVER! She said the pain was due to all the pus inside. DAMN IT. Then she made 1cm incision on my gum. AND PUSHED ALL THE PUS OUT. BELIEVE ME ALL THE PUSHING HURT ME DAMN MUCH. (well the amount of pus scared her too. lol) I ONLY WISH FOR SOMEONE TO PUNCH ME SO THAT I FAINT. THE PAIN WAS FUCKING UNBEARABLE!!!!! After all the pain, she tried to insert something metal into my mouth. MY MOUTH IS TOO SMALL FOR THAT METAL EVEN SHE USED S SIZE ONE. In the end she had to used CHILD SIZE one to put into my mouth. Pain non stop. She said ok, you're done. I will see you next week. WTF WTF I CAN GET OUT FROM ALL THE PAIN. Thanks!!!!!!!!!! 

In fact, today I just had my tooth extraction. The needle doesn't hurt at all!!! I don't feel anything at all for the whole process. I really don't know how to illustrate all the pain I gone through using words. But I swear this is the first time in my life I had so much pain in one year.

You sure be thinking why this girl so strong. LOL. Okla maybe I puji myself but actually throughout all these pains, my bf was with me all the time. He brought me to doctors, he reminded me to take medicine, he stood there to let me scold when I am in pain, basically, he is everywhere. Even today cabut gigi also he fetched me there. Where to find such dedicated bf? OMG suddenly I feel I am so lucky and hang fuk to have a bf that teman me during the down period. I never need to cry alone anymore. To the girls out there please don't jealous me ya. :p

Backups

My friend once told me that most of his friends has backups. By backups I mean backup girlfriends or dating partners. You know, just in case things doesn't work out with the current one, the replacement is just a step away. The way I see this is well, those people who did such thing has no confidence towards themselves and their partner. Or maybe their feelings are not real to begin with. Or they are being treated wrongfully which encourage them to find a backup. Of course I won't say such doing is immoral because as an outsider, I have no right to be judgmental. I will never know what truly happened between them.

Someone said my current bf was actually my backup. After a considerable long thought, I am 101% sure he never once is my backup. Considering the time I used (a short short time) to get out from my devastated state (post break-up), I don't blame people for being doubtful. From my point of view, why would I stay in the dark moment when I have chance to be happy? Why would I listen to someone who abandoned me and disappointed me again and again and again? Why would I choose to mourn for a selfish person that still wanna 'own' me but doesn't want me as gf?  Absurd right? 

Never once that I made up stories for people to pity me. Whatever stories I told to people about my past are the truth. How I am being ill-treated or how emotionally distraught I am are all real. Sorry la, I cant remember the details of my past already. Therefore I cannot elaborate further. :P Other than the bad guy, I guess my bf understands this well (lol nothing I can hide from him =.=).

Actually the simplest way to explain this is "I deserve better". I cannot change the past but I am able to shape my future. I am proud to say I did not betray anyone for the happiness I am having right now. I am proud to be who I am today and to have him by my side. Life is getting better. Right now at this moment I am feel blessed for having him and a career that I have so much to look forward too. 

*Peace*

little thoughts

Wow I received a comment from an anonymous person whom brightens my day with his comment on my post. This one.

To the Random Googler, thanks for your comment. Indeed I found the special someone. He is not afraid to discuss the future with me. He never treated me as a baggage. He puts me in as part of his priorities. With all the hopes and dreams and happiness never once I feel like going back to the time when I am disappointed. Never once I regretted.

I have been wondering for quite sometimes now. What is the purpose of life? I believe I am not alone in this. Everyone wants answer. But then I realized i cannot get the answer from anywhere except myself. I am the one who has control over my own life. After some thinking, I am satisfied with this answer.

Life is process. A process for me to feel every feeling human can bear. A process for me to see the world. I want to be happy and I want to make people around me happy. I want to visit every zoo and safari in the world with you. I want to collect 1000 movie stubs so that when we are old we still able to talk about the movies we had watched together. Maybe visit Bora-Bora? :P

See, so much to life I can look forward to. Don’t be with someone who always brings you down. Don’t be with someone that made you lose your pride. Choose to be happy. :P